If you’re reading this than it’s already too late.
I, The Infamous Oryan, have gone out of my way to listen to all base Kidz Bop albums and will attempt to rank all based on the ways they make me feel. I will not analyze them. My personal feelings to the songs they cover will affect my personal enjoyment, mainly because, if I didn’t like the song performed by professionals trying to appeal to me, I’m sure some kids trying to appeal to people outside of my demographic. I’m not following the “it’s for kids” excuse. If something sucks then I’m calling it out, because kids deserve just as good music as anyone else. As a kid, I remember listening to much better stuff like Al Green or Outkast, or whatever cringy rock my parents were listening to, I think it was either Nickelback or Buckcherry. Personally, I can remember more lyrics from “Ms. Jackson” from my childhood or “Let’s Stay Together” than the whole Nickelback album or Sister Hazel albums they would play to proudly declare their lameness. But I digress. For those uninitiated the Kidz Bop franchise is a list of cover songs pop hits sung by kids censored for kids. That’s all you need to know. There’s no cool background stories behind the albums like, “Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness” or “Sargent Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.” Kidz Bop is more like a product rather than your average album. The following is a score system and my exact thoughts I had when listening, please forgive the lack cohesion in some of my thoughts.
Without further ado, let's a go.
Kids Bop 1: 4/18 songs were skipped, rating - stale 2/5
Thoughts: This album feels like the original songs with a layer of crystalized brown sugar over them. There’s little energy, which I thought every album for kids songs had to have. There’s more energy in Mr. Bloopy’s theme song than this whole album combined. Everything sounds like it was recorded a cardboard microphone. “All the Small Things” sounds terrible, it’s amazingly bad. Also 18 Songs, that’s the kind of length that drives a man insane.
Kidz Bop 2: 3/18 songs were skipped, forgettable 2.5/5 “Kyrptonite” sounds like they only had a stale saltine cracker for a budget. Time really didn’t do these CDs any favors. You never appreciate talent, performance, or good production until it’s all gone. Most songs sound like demos. It’s hilarious that the adults need more auto tune than kids. “I’m a Believer” is ridiculous.
Kidz Bop 3: 4/18 Songs were skipped, a damning 1.5/5 I realized you’re enjoyment of a kidz bop song is original song enjoyment divided by4. There’s this thing where some of the songs have obviously way more effort put into them like some tracks are easily filler. THEY COVERED EDGE RAP, WHAT THE HELL! Leaving for dinner was the most fun I had while listening to this. The bad Autotune Guy form “I’m a Believer” is back! YES! So much bad R&B. Bad Autotune Guy comes back for “Hero” this is great. They cover, “Just a Friend” yet do not acknowledge the one and only true Biz Marckie version and go for Mario instead. Ok, Bad Autotune Guy has over stayed his welcome on “Wasting my Time.” I hate the 2000s pop music now.
Kidz Bop 4: 5/18 songs were skipped, I just want it to be over .5/5, ironically I would recommend this Right away I feel like there’s a lot more of a budget pass a packet of ramen noodle seasoning. The music picks have much to be desired. I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY DID “BRING ME TO LIFE.” You don’t have an edgy song go right to “Beautiful.” I’m sorry that’s not how you set a tone. I knew Kidz Bop would have pop punk but I didn’t expect it so soon. Kids shouldn’t sing “Underneath it All” not because of the performance. It just sounds weird hearing angsty mean girl lyrics being sung by kids. These songs feel like a dime store version of the original songs. I’m losing a lot of my focus and interest in these. 18 songs is super long for an album. What is the Ketchup Song?! That guitar solo in “The Middle” is really something.
Kidz Bop 5: 4/15 songs were skipped
I think it says something about my age that I’m starting to recognize more of these songs. Fair warning, I love “Hey Ya” and if it sucks, I’m giving this album no hope of redemption. WHY ARE KIDS LAUGHING IN THE BEGINNING OF “HEY YA!” “DON’T WANT TO MEET YOUR MOMMA. DON’T WANT TO MEET YOU MOMMA,” what is this a bad episode of Maury? “Hey Ya” didn’t deserve this. I am insulted they put “Are you Happy now” after wrecking a song I hold so dear to my heart. This was recorded in that weird point where everyone was trying to be Linkin Park wasn’t it. “It’s my Life” is so bland. “IF YOU WANNA!” That’s an in joke between me and anyone foolish enough to listen to this as well. The first half of this album is one of the best Kidz bop albums.