Epic Ways to Become a Music Critic
1. Always say the Beatles are overrated No one listens to the Beatles anymore. So just say what we are all thinking, they’re overrated. Let’s be clear, never directly insult the Beatles, and always go for the passive insults. Stuff like, “oh Ringo wasn’t the best drummer,” “John could be very hypocritical in his lyrics,” “George only wrote two songs and they were arguably the most listenable,” and “Paul is dead.” Acknowledging the Beatles are overrated is the "realizing that the Tooth Fairy isn’t real" of the music world. Once you overcome this misconception that the Beatles are listenable in 2018 you will ascend to the higher being of musically intelligent. Just remember if you ever need to praise an older band for being old and inspirational, always say The Sparks. It doesn’t matter if you listen to The Sparks or know any of their songs, just say The Sparks and everyone will assume you’re right.
2. No one acknowledges the 1980s The 1980s were a terrible time for music. Glam metal was popular, Bob Dylan went certifiably insane, and hip hop hadn’t come to foreground of music. Never acknowledge anything made in the 1980s as this is seen as the time where music was at its most sell out. The 1980s only produced novelty one hit wonders, and as one hit wonders they don’t matter or count as real music. Remember to never acknowledge the numerous amounts of new wave bands, or the interesting new wave scene developing in New York at the time. None of that matters, because it was the 1980’s the only thing that came out that was good was Prince, and the music community didn’t decide he was relevant until 2016. Even so, if you choose to acknowledge Prince, remember to only reference him in short moments as you may
accidently summon the 1980’s into collective consciousness if you give people a moment to reflect on his career.
3. Always review the new Drake album Everyone loves Drake. My grandmother loves Drake and she doesn’t even know who he is. Drake is the most inspirational artist out there right now. He’s like David Bowie but not dead so, you know, he matters more. Whatever Drake does in his latest release will be imitated by a million other SoundCloud rappers in the weeks to come, so if you review it now you will have a leg up on the competition on how to review the latest coming out of SoundCloud. If you are having a hard time trying to find out ways to review the epic new Drake release you will find that reading any other review of the same Drake album will give you inspiration.
4. Cultural context of a piece of music means nothing Do you find that a song sounds really similar to an older song you heard a while back? That is because of PLAGIARISM, culture and music have nothing to do with each other. If an artist is “borrowing” their sound from what came before that is clearly a sign of unoriginality and therefore the artist is stealing. Do you ever feel like you can connect the work of an artist to a general sound from that region of the world that artist is from? Well, instead of taking time to write about that in your review, remember this nifty anagram: D.O.N.T. D.O.N.T. stands for Dummy Only Note That. So remember if you ever want to make a claim about how the artists from Atlanta, Georgia all seem to share a significant style between them and think that it would make an interesting point in a review just remember, D.O.N.T.
5. Never ever give a perfect score to an album; you’re a music critic you’re not supposed to enjoy music enough to give perfect scores Giving out perfect scores is a sign of weakness. Never share how much you enjoy something with your audience. It’s only going to bog down and ruin your review.
If you ever enjoyed music, just remember if you enjoyed it enough you wouldn’t be sharing your opinions or criticizing music, you would be listening to music instead.
6. Never edit your album reviews to tracks that bring out the strongest opinions in you
Always review an album in full. Don’t give the audience room to grow their own opinions. Leave no stone unturned. Because let’s face it, everyone wants to read a 14 part review on every possible track on Chinese Democracy by Guns N’ Roses. Editing like perfect scores is a sign of weakness.